letting him carry the weight...

what can i say about today?
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i brought up my idea from yesterday's blog to some christian friends at work today. the one about how we're in denial about satan's power. miss grace made a good point: those of who have put on the holy spirit need not feel satan's power over us. yes, we fail god, but that doesn't mean satan has power over us. through christ, we have a power higher than the devil's, able to withstand the firey darts of the evil one and his armies. miss grace went on to say that it is only when we open the doors and windows of our hearts to the enemy that he comes in and destroys. to put a picture to it, i used the 'cat in the hat' by dr. seuss. the kids are bored b/c it's raining outside. through a series of interesting dialogue with the cat in the hat, they invite in thing 1 and thing 2. it seems like an okay idea at first, and you let them in to have some fun. but they're type of fun isn't what you had in mind, and soon, the inside of your heart is destroyed.
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but i got home tonight, and everyone was in a weird mood. the girls were up until 9-9:30 last night... they were just so tired, they couldn't sleep. so they played, which didn't make mommy and daddy happy. then, regardless of how late they stayed up, they met us downstairs around 6:05 this morning, which is about an hour earlier than we usually see them each day. so i think that had something to do with their wierd mood, which probably stimulated mommy's wierd mood, which i know instigated mine when i walked through the door. ahh, the spiraling of human emotions that takes place when you have children!
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so overdrive (our youth group at church) put together 'the way of the cross' for easter. it's a series of 'booths' in the gymnasium in which you read a little about the crucifixtion, watch a short piece of 'the passion', journal, write a letter to jesus, draw a picture, form something with clay, literally nail your 'weight' to 'the cross', and pray before his tomb. it was a unique situation which helped me see things i hadn't really seen before. for instance, i've read and understood the whole 'father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.' and i've see 'the passion' 3 or 4 times now, but there was one scene that hit me tonight like never before. it was the scene of jesus torn and bloody, crawling atop the cross to be nailed hand and foot. one of the soldiers puts out a foot and kicks him over. the gaze of the camera shifts to the high priest briefly to catch an almost impish look of delight before it pans back to jesus struggling to get on with the process. what i saw was the real hatred toward him. i thought of those people (at work particularly) that don't necessarily hate me, but don't treat me very well. and when i think about their bad attitudes and not-so-niceness towards me, my anger and hatred grows back. i thought of how being angry with the girls last night when they wouldn't fall asleep stirred back up anger which had already settled from other things happening earlier in my day. and then i thought of how jesus thought differently. if he were in my position, he would continue to love, whereas i've decided to hate back. outwardly, i'm fine. inwardly, i'm not alright. the weight he carried in that respect had to be so much heavier than the physical heaviness of the cross.
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favorite bible verse read today: 'to obey is better than sacrifice.' (1 samuel 15:22) - in the midst of so many laws from god to sacrifice, god shows his true intention.
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favorite picture taken today: i didn't take any pictures today, but i did draw up a quick sketch at 'the way of the cross' tonight. it was a sketch in black pencil of a cross which looks as though a light were hitting it from one direction. in red pencil, i wrote 'MY SIN' across the horizontal piece. then i highlighted the underside of the cross and the ground with the red pencil. too often we look at god's suffering up there, but too often we fail to see our own suffering up there too. we weren't crucified, but we are called to die to ourselves daily, to get rid of the sin that so easily entangles, to bear our own cross, and follow him. it's not easy. the cross is heavy. when jesus picked up his cross, everything bad in our lives, sin, hopelessness, depression, despair, etc., was laid on that cross. we shouldn't feel bad to place the weight we feel now on that cross. it's no extra burden to him, b/c he's already carried it... all the way to golgotha and the grave.