chronicles of my day

even when you know god is the one in control, it's still unnerving to have the feeling of being out of control. i haven't lost hope, but it does make me wonder sometimes how far god plans to drag me down before i'm snatched from oblivion. it stems from my finances, which i won't get into again as you're probably as sick of hearing about them as i am of talking, let alone thinking, about them.

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i've had a headache all day, and i'm pretty sure it's from either the above spiraling of my soul, the lack of sleep, or the lack of coffee... or all of the above. i'm thinking about ditching coffee tomorrow to see if that's the case since i can only sleep so many hours a day, and i'm somewhat bound to my soul. i'll make decisions on those things i have control over, so coffee it is.

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once i got home from work, i took down the bunked beds and set up the new bed pastor jon and i had picked up yesterday. the girls' room is so cute now (see pictures at the end of this entry). though probably less than 1% of those who have helped us so far read this blog, i want to thank each of them for helping us make it even this far. who knew we could have made it three months?!

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"if you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever." (1 chronicles 28:9b) - i am seeking him, but that doesn't mean i'll find him moments before i see his face in glory...

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"when they sin against you - for there is no one who does not sin - and you become angry with them and give them over to the enemy, who takes them captive to a land far away or near; and if they have a change of heart in the land where they are held captive, and repent and plead with you in the land of their captivity and say, 'we have sinned, we have done wrong and acted wickedly'; and if they turn back to you with all their heart and soul in the land of their captivity where they were taken, and pray toward the land you gave their fathers, toward the city you have chosen and toward the temple i (solomon) have built for your name; then from heaven, your dwelling place, hear their prayer and their pleas, and uphold their cause. and forgive your people, who have sinned against you." (2 chronicles 6:36-39) - my rebellion has been less than most men, yet i feel this need to fall prostrate toward the holy land.

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"the temple i am going to build will be great, because our god is greater than all other gods. but who is able to build a temple for him, since the heavens, even the highest heavens, cannot contain him? who then am i to build a temple for him, except as a place to burn sacrifices before him." (2 chronicles 2:5-6)

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"yours, o lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. yours, o lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. in your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all. now, our god, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name." (1 chronicles 29:11-13)

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had to share those verses. the flow above shows how i've felt lately. since i haven't been able to put together said feelings into words as of late, it was nice to see god give me the above verses today to organize everything into a more complete thought pattern to put down on 'paper'. i'm still working on the excitement and worship shown in the last two verses above. my passion is alive down in me somewhere, but i many times feel like crying b/c it's stuck, and that tears may somehow dislodge the bulge.

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as previously promised:

perhaps there's something more...

i wrote the following while sitting in a church service a couple of years back: "when satan's armies are besieging your soul, sometimes the highest form of worship you can muster is to show up." this explains how i felt while at church today.
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my afternoon went better. we've been trying to pick up a bed being given to the girls from an acquaintance of a friend in hudson. i went with pastor jon to pick it up. jon and i have spoken briefly on rare occasion over the past 2.5 years, so it was great to get to spend some real time with him this afternoon. while i can't speak for him, i felt he reminded me a lot of myself. i pray it's not the last time, lord willing, we get to hang. it makes me think of the non-christ followers out there who have insecure relationships with many/all people. it was easy for both jon and i to open up and talk about things that really mattered outside of the shallow "what do you do for a living? where'd you grow up? what's your favorite color?" junk. and i barely know the guy! i love the body of christ, and i wish to be plugged in more deeply.
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that brings me to another thought. i can only guess, though possibly intelligently, that most/all people outside of christ have this feeling that there is something more to life than what they are experiencing. life is more than girls. life is more than $100 bills. etc. however, living under christ's wing in the church, i still feel like there should be more to this life. and when i say that, i'm not down-shooting god's power in my life. i'm saying i don't think i've opened the door to let him in fully. i sit in my easy chair in the living room, looking out the window, saying, "hey! there's god walking by! we should have him over for dinner sometime." rather, i should open the door and invite the guy in to live. surrender. there is so much power that is god that i have yet to see in my life. it's not that he's not giving it. it's that i'm not asking for it. in reading through the old testament, i believe god can and will talk to me. i have to learn how to listen. i believe god will open new doors for me to do amazing things that shakes the foundations of our culture and possibly the world if he wills it. i have to be willing to walk through those doors. i need to be broken. it honestly makes me want to cry to have to do the thousands of meaningless things i do each day. but i have to do many of those things in order to sustain the things that do matter. i can't care for my family without money, which i earn through a meaningless job. etc.
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favorite bible verse read today... i have two:
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1) god talking to david (1 chronicles 17:10b-14) - "'i declare to you that the lord will build a house for you: when your days are over and you go to be with your fathers, i will raise up your offspring to succeed you, one of your own sons, and i will establish his kingdom. he is the one who will build a house for me, and i will establish his throne forever. i will be his father, and he will be my son. i will never take my love away from him, as i took it away from you predecessor. i will set him over my house and my kingdom forever; his throne will be established forever.'" (he's talking about jesus y'all)
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2) "who am i, o lord god, and what is my familly, that you have brought me this far? and as if this were not enough in your sight, o god, you have spoken about the future of the house of your servant. you have looked on me as though i were the most exalted of men, o lord god." (1 chronicles 17:16b-17)
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a picture by me:

jam packed

today was a blur. the girls and i didn't get to watch the teal tapeworms (aka blue bombers) play soccer this morning. but we did get to run around the house playing 'monster'. mommy scored a goal today! then it was off to piper's 1st birthday party, where we had cake and ice cream, and got to play with all of lilia's cute pink toys (i thought i could leave my house and get away from pink... i was wrong). then mr. seth and i 'played frisbee,' that is, we went disc golfing, where i proceeded to score a 14+... ew! then it was home to the women of my life, dinner, bed for the girls, read my bible, and... oh yes, blog.
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the girls were so well behaved at the birthday party today. i was very proud of them. they had a lot of fun, and they seemed to me to be the center of conversation. the only minor bout was in trying to get their shoes and coats on to head home. but that was around their normal nap time, so the tiredness they felt then was a good enough reason for me to be patient... this time.
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talking about the girls so much at the birthday party lead me to realize something about sarah and myself. we're quiet. i mean, we're social, but only if you get us talking first. we don't ask people questions, but will answer frankly if you ask us. so we go to things like birthday parties and just sit and have fun. we don't ask how life is for others. so when we do talk, it's b/c someone asks us something. and today at the birthday party, since everyone was interested in how life with the girls has been going, we talked about them a lot. i just hope that doesn't translate into others' minds that we like to talk about ourselves... b/c we really don't. that's just how it works out. i know too sometimes that when i've run out of things to talk about, i just start talking about what's going on in my life. i don't expect the person to care, but i hate silence.
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but it was nice to hang with seth for a while tonight. though i don't feel great about leaving the fam to have some fun, i do need some quality one-on-one guy time every so often. though our conversation wasn't necessarily deep, it was just nice in a way one cannot explain. but i love my family. i think i'll keep them.
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so matthew called tonight as i was trying to finish this blog. it sounds like his disc golf outing today went as bad as mine. but we both agreed on the phone tonight, that disc golf is the one thing we can go out and consistently fail at, yet still have fun. and that reminds me of something else. while chatting it up with seth around hole #12 tonight, i mentioned that it was funny how neither matthew or myself had any bearing on the other getting started at disc golf, yet we both found the interest separately and at the same time. since i consider matthew my best friend, i think that means god meant for us to find a love for this game at the same time for a reason. now we need to invest in it for him some way. we're supposed to honor him in everything anyway, so why not disc golf too?
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favorite bible verse read today: "jabez was more honorable than his brothers... jabez cried out to the god of israel, 'oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that i will be free from pain.' and god granted his request." (1 chronicles 4:9-10) - i'm not a fan of 'the prosperity gospel', but i do believe that god honors the prayers of those who earnestly seek him, even if they do come across as selfish. ergo, it's okay to pray for yourself... i'd just make sure you're being honorable towards god, which can be a big order to fill. thanks be to grace!
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a picture... actually taken today! alex did this to herself at piper's birthday party. she holds a guitar quite naturally, and i believe the goggles are just what she needs to be her own unique rockstar. before you know it, we'll be seeing her up on stage in front of crowd wearing goggles, singing 'thumb in the thumb place. fingers are together. this is the song we sing in mitten weather. when it is cold, it doesn't even matter. thumb in the thumb place. fingers are together.' but anyway, sorry about the quality... it was taken on my cell phone:

a father's heart

sarah and the girls had a lot of fun today. they visited their cousins. they went to the orrville library. and they ate lunch at buehler's. daddy got to sit in a cubicle, just like any other weekday. the drab colors of the office carpet, walls, and cubicle cages is making daddy think of changing his favorite color to tan. daddy's going crazy.
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friday's are fun b/c we eat pizza and stay up late watching a movie. okay, 'late' means the girls are in bed at 8, and we usually hit the hay around 10. but we watched peter pan (the animated disney version), which the girls seem to love more than princess gummies. i can't say it's a bad flick myself.
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i may have said this in a prior entry, but it was on my heart again today... well, tonight mainly. it's probably a thought that goes through every parent's head at one point during the raising of a child, but i feel many times that the girls will never really love me. my name has become 'daddy,' but it's almost a nostalgic verbalization of who i really am, like they're playing house or some other cute childhood game. the way they look at me most of the time shines out of their eyes from their souls, where they really loathe me. i have no excuse other than 'god's not done with me,' but that doesn't help my patience and need to love them regardless. i'm quite the conditional person, but i have grown in this arena, which is probably why i tolerate more now than i ever would have. i owe it all to god, and i look forward to where he'll take me. but until then, parenting is discouraging. it feels like it's been forever, but it's only been three months, which means i'm still new to this. and i think i mentioned to someone at work today that i don't think you ever really arrive at being a good parent b/c you're always learning something new, and each day is a surprise unlike yesterday.
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favorite bible verse read today: 2 kings 25 (the whole chapter) - I just spent the last 28 days reading about how god's chosen people rebelled from god almost rythmically. and on each upbeat, god restored them. i like how 1 and 2 kings is written, b/c it goes back and forth quickly from one king to the next: this isralite king, that king of judah, this one, that one, this one, that one. then in 2 kings 25, the stories almost seem to slow down as god begins to blot his people from the earth, sending them all into exile in babylon. in looking from a father's eyes, it's sad to see the people go, but it's nice to know the rest of the story...
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so you can't tell from the reader's seat, but i just took a 5-10 minute break. sarah was using the laptop while i wrote the above on the desk top. all of our pictures are on the laptop, so i had to wait. she was trying to figure out a good name for her saturday morning soccer team, which is hard when you're jerseys are teal. i think i like 'the teal tapeworms' the best... what better way to strike fear into your opponents than an intestinal parasite. anyway, here are two pictures sarah and i actually took when we were still living at our apartment. the first is by sarah, the second by me. they came to my head tonight for some reason, and i like that they were both taken at 'moments', meaning the picture wouldn't have come out if you jumped the gun or hesitated...

scales lifted, contentment seen

today was thursday, which means a lot of meeting with fellow christ followers. i meet with a small group of four at lunch and another small group (now of five) in the evenings at our house. miss grace was talking about something important at lunch today, and i know i tuned her out. but at the time, i was pretty overwhelmed. actually, let me clarify. i got to thinking about my whole state of being lately, and it's pretty depressing. on the surface, money issues continue to get worse. we owe a bunch in taxes, i just spent $35 on an oil change and a tire patch for my car, we both need gas tomorrow, which is another $35 a pop, i need new tires on my car by the end of the summer, which is another $300, and i'm just flat broke. my insurance agent didn't understand when i wanted to cut out a few small policies i had on various things just to save $10 per month... i need what i can get!!! then i got to thinking about the not-so-surface. how i've been impatient with the girls lately. i feel as though i've been grumbling at and about work lately. and my feet stink! my wrist hurts. it's pouring down rain!!! so back to unintentionally ignoring miss grace... i was thinking about all of this and how i strangely feel content nevertheless. i'm somewhat discouraged, but i'm content. i'm tired, but i'm not stressed. i can't say i know what god is going to do, b/c i'm not a prophet. but i do continue to ask him for his blessing in the above ways and so many more. and he'll honor that. i'm faithful.

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the stories of elijah and elisha have also plagued my mind the last couple of days. they weren't magical. they weren't sorcerers. all the power they possessed came from god. i like the story about elisha causing the axe head to float! god makes you do some pretty crazy things sometimes, i believe, to test your faith. all elisha had to do to make that hunk of metal float was through a stick on the surface of the water right around where butterfingers had dropped it. to me, this just sounds silly... "okay, god. frank over here just dropped his borrowed axe head into the river. can you do anything to help him out a bit?" [long pause] "you want me to what?! throw a stick on the water?! but god, how will this help? i've studied physics, and that's impossible. can't we use some sort of magnetical device or maybe some scuba gear?" but no, god tells him to throw a stick on the water's surface. in the same way, i wonder what wierd things god will have me do...

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seth and nisha were the only two people to show up to group this evening. but it was fun. we didn't have an agenda, so we chatted for a bit, and then got into some pretty excited talk about old testament stories and how when you look at the bible as a whole, the whole god story makes sense. noah's ark seems like foolishness alongside elisha's axe head and elijah slaughtering baal prophets until you see the whole story lined up from genesis to revelation. we look at the sacrifices made in the old testament and the grace of christ... yet when alined together, we see that god is, in fact, as he says he is: unchanging. they seem night and day until you read the whole story straight through.

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favorite bible verse read today ('the man of god = elisha): "when the servant of the man of god got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. 'oh, my lord, what shall we do?' the servant asked. 'don't be afraid,' the prophet answered. 'those who are with us are more than those who are with them.' and elisha prayed, 'o lord, open his eyes so he may see.' then the lord opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around elisha. as the enemy came down toward him, elisha prayed to the lord, 'strike these people with blindess.' so he struck them with blindness, as elisha had asked." (2 kings 6:15-18) - oh lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight!

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favorite picture taken today (i think i need to end this feature since i apparently don't take pictures on a daily basis. regardless, here's another picture posted from another time taken):

1 kings 18:22-40

elijah: prophet of the one true god vs. 400 prophets of baal: a not-so-true god.

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oh to have god's word in my ear, and to boldly step out in contest of the anti-christ's plaguing today's world.

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favorite bible verse read today: see subject

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favorite picture taken today (as with the past few nights...):

the rebellion in my head

i've been fighting a headache all day. it started when i woke up at 5:45 to get ready for work and continued through now, 11:30 at night. but i made it through the day!

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i'm working on following king david's pattern... being a man after god's own heart. according to 1 kings 11:6b "big daddy d" followed the lord completely. completely?! what does that look like? i mean, aside from the whole foul-up with uriah's wife, dave was a pretty sweet guy. i've had my foul-ups too, but i can't say i resorted to murder in order to marry my beautiful woman. but i do a lot of other bad things, mostly manifested in negative attitudes towards others. i keep praying that god will guide me in his ways, that i too may live a life pleasing to him.

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favorite bible verse read today: "so israel has been in rebellion against the house of david to this day." (1 kings 12:19) - i won't go into the context now, so you'll have to read it on your own for that piece. however, it's interesting to see that israel, or the jewish nation as i see it, is still in denial as to christ's divinity. and christ is of the house of david. interesting, eh?

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favorite picture taken today (i've been on the go all day, so i'll resort to pulling another picture from 2008 easter past):

for the greater good

my alarm was set to go off around 5:45 this morning, but i got out of bed a hair earlier. i sat down to check email and the weather, and decided it would be best to send my team leader an email asking to spend 8 of my PTO (paid time off) hours. i checked work email again just before dinner to find that my team leader wasn't in today, so i'm hoping someone got the message and wasn't scrambling around looking for me. but i also remember that others have my cell phone, and my boss had emailed me during the day, which would have kicked back the out-of-office reply i set up earlier in the morning. so i couldn't have been missed that much at work, though i know i would have been missed much by my family had i gone downtown today. so, for the greater good, i stayed home. and i needed the rest anyway.
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it's funny how we can define 'rest'. today, rather than taking it easy after a long, hectic weekend, i decided to clean both garages and the basement. if you don't see my house on a regular basis, you have no idea what kind of work this entails. since the weather was so nice, i also went outside with sarah and the girls just before dinner to start up some lawn work. while out there, i smelled disc golf... it's not far away!
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so today was fun, but i still dislike being a parent at bed time. i know it's not easy, but i'm sure it has a lot to do with me hating bed time when i was a child. i was a little devil at bed time, which is probably why i still have a bitter taste in my mouth from it. i can't blame my parents, for i see now what they probably went through... though i can't say my girls throw a temper tantrum on a regular basis like myself.
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i think alexandra believes the world revolves around her and that she governs the laws of the universe b/c grandpa has treated her like a queen over the last 2.5 years of her life. don't get me wrong, every little girl should be treated like a princess to an extent, and grandparents should be allowed to 'spoil' their grandchildren. but really spoiling a child never came to any real good either. anyway... that's just my vent for the day.
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but i think i've earned some respect with the girls lately, b/c at times they will listen to me right off the bat when they haven't listened to mommy for the last half hour straight. but i have to be careful, b/c i can let that get to my head. i can start to think i'm the one with the power, and they respect me b/c of me. i've groaned to god about my parenting, and i believe he's giving me many opportunities to hone what parenting skills he's blessed me with... they're deep down in there somewhere. but evidence: i was sitting doing my daily bible reading while sarah read on the couch in the living room to the girls individually before bed time. sonja was the last to come down for a book, while alex 'read' quietly on her own upstairs. story time was over, and sonja was not happy about that. she began to cry, raise her voice a little, and throw her body around a bit as little children love to do when they're not getting their way. well, sarah's attempts were futile for some reason, b/c i thought she was doing a good job at being patient and explaining to sonja that this was just how things were to go. now i'm fine and understanding when it comes to children being upset (especially when they're tired), but i still have issues with understanding lack of respect, regardless of mental state. so i very calmly closed my bible and stood up. sonja immediately stopped crying, and her and sarah both looked my direction. i said, 'we headed up for bed?' and we went up smoothly. as i mentioned before, i can't and won't take the credit, but i can't but admit that i'm very happy god has made me somewhat respectable in my children's eyes.
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favorite bible verse read today: "josheb-basshebeth, a tahkemonite, was chief of the three; he raised his spear against eight hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter. " (2 samuel 23:8b) - this is the beginning of a passage on 'david's might men.' there are some pretty wicked awesome heroes in this short section of the bible, all of home sound as though they'd give maximus and william wallace a run for their money. where are men like this today? men who can face spiritual warfare as david's mighty men looked eye-to-eye with the swords and spears of hundreds?
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favorite picture taken today (i didn't take any today, but i figured with the many great pictures i took yesterday, i would just take the liberty of posting another of these for today's entry. as always, click to image to enlarge):

he is risen!

church was packed today - a typical easter. as i looked at the sea of faces, i wondered if what pastor tony was saying was true for many/most of the people there today. he talked of when he was young and the one thing he disliked about easter was going to church. i figured a lot of people who packed themselves into the building this morning were of the same attitude, recognizing the importance but rather wishing they could have stayed in bed like any other sunday. i can't judge the heart, but it does make you wonder.

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pastor tony spoke on 1 corinthians 15 today. "for what i received i passed on to you as of first importance: that christ died for our sins according to the scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the scriptures, and that he appeared to peter and then to the twelve. after that, he appeared to more than five hundred of the brothers at the same time, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep." (v. 3-6) he talked about how the resurrection of christ is an essential belief we must have in order to consider ourselves followers of christ: "but if it is preached that christ has been raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? if there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even christ has been raised. and if christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith. more than that, we are then found to be false witnesses about god, for we have testified about god that he raised christ from the dead. but he did not raise him if in fact the dead are not raised. for if the dead are not raised, then christ has not been raised either. and if christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. then those also who have fallen asleep in christ are lost. if only for this life we have hope in christ, we are to be pitied more than all men." (v.12-19)

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since i agreed to the inlaws coming over for easter dinner, i'd be lying if said i was looking forward to it. but through much prayer by myself and others close to me, i was awarded the patience and an overall good time. things got hairy around the time alotted for them to depart, but i think we handled everything appropriately. now if i could just get my heart in the right place to handle it appropriately on the inside as well.

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raising kids isn't easy. i can't say our situation is more difficult than most, but it is unique in many ways i'm sure. the lesson learned today, which i believe i passed, was how to respond to child #1 looking you in the eyes and saying 'i don't like you guys' while the other says through her tears that 'i don't want to be here anymore.' though your heart stings from the stab, the answers are 'well, we love you' and 'well, we really want you to stay here with us', respectively.

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favorite bible verse read today: "the lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my god is my rock, in whom i take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. he is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior - from violent men you save me. i call to the lord, who is worthy of praise, and i am saved from my enemies." (2 samuel 22:2b-4)

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favorite picture taken today (the egg hunt made for some good shots, so this is an attempt at picking my favorite):

a dark day

i've heard it said that there is always one snow after st. patrick's day. last night was #2, so hopefully that was it.
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so jesus died 'yesterday'. and he'll rise 'tomorrow'. but what about 'today'? what about that day in between, when jesus' dead body lay in the cold tomb? i think most people would respond something like this: "well, there was probably an overwhelming sense of hopelessness among his followers. it was a dark time." but when i ask that question, i'm asking, "what was jesus' state during that time? what happened to his soul?" jesus had just died the day before, losing his life while he hung with the sin of the world. sin cannot enter god's presence, so we know jesus couldn't have entered heaven upon passing from this earth. i believe he went to hell. and while to god a thousand years is like a day, and a day is like a thousand years, 24 hours to me is 24 hours. so while his time in hell was a mere split second before he found himself back to earth then ascending to god in heaven, to me and his followers at that time, jesus was in hell for 3 days. so to me, what suffering he was subject to before and during crucifixtion pales in comparison to the torment he went through between death and rebirth... for me. thank you, jesus.
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favorite bible verse read today: "but the lord said to samuel, 'do not consider his appearance or his height, for i have rejected him. the lord does not look at the things man looks at. man looks at the outward appearance, but the lord looks at the heart.'" (1 samuel 16:7) - there's hope for me yet!!!
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favorite picture taken today (i took some good pictures today, but when i uploaded this one to the computer, i couldn't help but laugh every time i looked at it, and could help but share in hopes that it would bring a smile to your face as well. this was sonja freezing for her 'i'm from down under' shot. a classic example of catching the moment before the moment. click to enlarge):

isaiah 53

who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the lord been revealed? he grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. he had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. he was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

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surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by god, smitten by him, and afflicted. but he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

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we all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned his own way; and the lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

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he was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearer is silent, so he did not open his mouth. by oppression and judgement he was taken away.

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and who can speak of his descendants? for he was cut off from the land of the living; for the transgression of my people he was stricken. he was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth.

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yet is was the lord's will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the lord makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the lord will prosper in his hand. after the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities. therefore i will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. for he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

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letting him carry the weight...

what can i say about today?
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i brought up my idea from yesterday's blog to some christian friends at work today. the one about how we're in denial about satan's power. miss grace made a good point: those of who have put on the holy spirit need not feel satan's power over us. yes, we fail god, but that doesn't mean satan has power over us. through christ, we have a power higher than the devil's, able to withstand the firey darts of the evil one and his armies. miss grace went on to say that it is only when we open the doors and windows of our hearts to the enemy that he comes in and destroys. to put a picture to it, i used the 'cat in the hat' by dr. seuss. the kids are bored b/c it's raining outside. through a series of interesting dialogue with the cat in the hat, they invite in thing 1 and thing 2. it seems like an okay idea at first, and you let them in to have some fun. but they're type of fun isn't what you had in mind, and soon, the inside of your heart is destroyed.
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but i got home tonight, and everyone was in a weird mood. the girls were up until 9-9:30 last night... they were just so tired, they couldn't sleep. so they played, which didn't make mommy and daddy happy. then, regardless of how late they stayed up, they met us downstairs around 6:05 this morning, which is about an hour earlier than we usually see them each day. so i think that had something to do with their wierd mood, which probably stimulated mommy's wierd mood, which i know instigated mine when i walked through the door. ahh, the spiraling of human emotions that takes place when you have children!
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so overdrive (our youth group at church) put together 'the way of the cross' for easter. it's a series of 'booths' in the gymnasium in which you read a little about the crucifixtion, watch a short piece of 'the passion', journal, write a letter to jesus, draw a picture, form something with clay, literally nail your 'weight' to 'the cross', and pray before his tomb. it was a unique situation which helped me see things i hadn't really seen before. for instance, i've read and understood the whole 'father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.' and i've see 'the passion' 3 or 4 times now, but there was one scene that hit me tonight like never before. it was the scene of jesus torn and bloody, crawling atop the cross to be nailed hand and foot. one of the soldiers puts out a foot and kicks him over. the gaze of the camera shifts to the high priest briefly to catch an almost impish look of delight before it pans back to jesus struggling to get on with the process. what i saw was the real hatred toward him. i thought of those people (at work particularly) that don't necessarily hate me, but don't treat me very well. and when i think about their bad attitudes and not-so-niceness towards me, my anger and hatred grows back. i thought of how being angry with the girls last night when they wouldn't fall asleep stirred back up anger which had already settled from other things happening earlier in my day. and then i thought of how jesus thought differently. if he were in my position, he would continue to love, whereas i've decided to hate back. outwardly, i'm fine. inwardly, i'm not alright. the weight he carried in that respect had to be so much heavier than the physical heaviness of the cross.
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favorite bible verse read today: 'to obey is better than sacrifice.' (1 samuel 15:22) - in the midst of so many laws from god to sacrifice, god shows his true intention.
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favorite picture taken today: i didn't take any pictures today, but i did draw up a quick sketch at 'the way of the cross' tonight. it was a sketch in black pencil of a cross which looks as though a light were hitting it from one direction. in red pencil, i wrote 'MY SIN' across the horizontal piece. then i highlighted the underside of the cross and the ground with the red pencil. too often we look at god's suffering up there, but too often we fail to see our own suffering up there too. we weren't crucified, but we are called to die to ourselves daily, to get rid of the sin that so easily entangles, to bear our own cross, and follow him. it's not easy. the cross is heavy. when jesus picked up his cross, everything bad in our lives, sin, hopelessness, depression, despair, etc., was laid on that cross. we shouldn't feel bad to place the weight we feel now on that cross. it's no extra burden to him, b/c he's already carried it... all the way to golgotha and the grave.

short-n-sweet

i try to live by the golden rule. even at work. unfortunately, that doesn't mean my fellow bankers live by the same standards. i guess this is what jesus meant by turning the other cheek. even when we don't receive back the respect we dish out, a christian should continue to remain respectful. and i do. without unncessary, gossipy details, that was the jist of my day at work. i did get to go see a customer today, which doesn't happen often. but when it does, it's exciting stuff.
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an 80% of 1-2 inches of snow tonight. what is god thinking up there?! we prayed with the girls at bed time that it would stop snowing and get warmer. let's face it, disc golf weather is right around the corner, and daddy's getting impatient.
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sonja seems to capture the saying of the day award a lot, but she had another one tonight. she didn't know it, but she made us feel old. you've done this to your parents, asked something like, 'what's this?' as you hold up an 8-track. sonja did it with a cassette tape. ouch!
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favorite bible verse read today: 'if a man sins against another man, god may mediate for him; but if man sins against the lord, who will intercede for him?' (1 samuel 2:25) - a passage about god's plan to introduce christ into the world so we can be mediated for, way back in the old testament. this statement was made around 1100 b.c.!!!
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favorite picture taken today: i didn't get a chance to take any pictures today (typical as of late), but sarah did:

the israelites and their candy-coated chocolates

i spent 95% of my work day trying to get things done for tomorrow. then by the time 4:30 rolled around, everything due tomorrow had dropped off the queue. didn't jesus say something about storing away in barns, or that tomorrow isn't a guarantee. i feel like i'm living today for tomorrow a lot. what happened to 'now'?
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needless to say, i was refreshed as usual to get home. the girls have been in an almost perfect mood over the last two days, and that makes everything so much more peaceful and enjoyable. i'm not sure sarah thought it was cute, but at dinner, sonja looks at mommy's glass and says,
'is that your water?'
'yes,' replied mommy.
'it's all gone?' she asked, testing mommy.
'yes, it is.'
'no, it isn't,' she corrected.
mommy stood her gound. 'yes, it is.'
'no!'
mommy tipped her glass slightly, allowing a small pool of water to collect in the bottom corner.
'see!' sonja exclaimed.
'ooooooh!' daddy said as mommy gave the 'okay, okay, you were right' look.
'two points for mommy!' sonja jested sarcastically.
i was so proud.
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sarah and i got to talking about animal shows at the zoo after the girls hit the hay. while we discussed the amazing ability of some people to train a wild animal to do just about anything they want, we also wondered if they were the perfect parents too. it went from there to, 'well yeah, i could get my kids to do anything if i gave them an m&m after every good deed.' then when we really thought about it, would they? sin nature doesn't follow the m&m theory (and you can quote me on that). i don't care how many m&m's you give a child, bed time will still be a chore. and if you keep popping them into their mouth(s), you'll never get them to bed. and this is a good lead-in into my deepest thought for the day...
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so in reading through the old testament, i see how many times god does some amazing things for the israelites. the amount of things he does is amazing let alone the magnitude of each miracle. yet countless times, the jews rebelled against god, bowing down to and serving baal and the other various gods of their neighbors. if they were seeing god do all of these amazing things, fulfilling promise after promise, what made baal so appealing? apparently satan can do some pretty amazing things too. if god handed gideon 299 men to take down the midianites, whose numbers could not be counted, and they could turn around and start worshipping some fake god, that fake god had to have pulled off some amazing things as well. i think this should be a lessen that we should not downplay the abilities of our enemy, that is, the devil.
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oh, how does that tie in with my m&m theory? well, if you didn't catch it, god does some pretty amazing things for us (m&m's), yet we still turn from him (sin nature). ergo, m&m's don't work while we're growing up, and the problem keeps growing deeper as we get older.
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favorite bible verse read today: judges chapters 6 and 7. i love the story of gideon, b/c i can relate to his person. yet it's encouraging to see how god can work some amazing things through someone like that. and if you're not a bible reader or have never heard of gideon, the closest thing to his story that i've seen is the battle at helms deep in the lord of the rings: the two towers. check it out, then read the true story. (side note: j.r.r. tolkein, writer of the lord of the rings, was a christian).
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favorite picture taken today: again, nothing.

faith, works, and passion

i set two alarms this morning: one for 5:45, the other for 6:00. i planned to leave around 6:30 for work. god had other plans. i woke up to a tiny little voice tugging at my covers. it was 7:15. oops! at least i didn't have to be to work until 8.
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office life was pretty typical today. my team leader did come up to me today and say, 'hey, you're the big christian guy around here. have you heard of ______ [some church i hadn't heard of]?' since i'm not very outward about my faith like i should be, i was flattered that what i do get around to doing doesn't go unnoticed. now if god could only light a holy fire under my rear end!
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after i got home from work, it was exciting to sit and listen to the girls rehash jesus's last few days on earth with mommy over meatloaf and mashed potatoes. it really bothers sonja that he died. she gets to the point of getting irrationally whiney. but when we talk about how he rose again, a bright light shines in her eyes. she is extremely excited about the resurrection!
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so i got to thinking tonight. i know, 'what else is new?' hey, i do it for a hobby. anyway...
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the main goal of any christian shouldn't be to point out what other people are doing wrong. we get stuck on 'is it wrong to dance?', 'is it okay to drink a beer once in a while?', 'should one really go to the movies?', 'do you need to be baptized to enter god's kingdom?' after all, 'we are not saved because we do works; rather we do works because we've been saved by and transformed through christ.' - mark strauss. or to put it as the apostle paul did, 'it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of god - not by works, so that no one can boast. (ephesians 2:8-9). folks, if someone tells you that you need to do something in order to make it to heaven, they are lying to you. 'for in christ jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.' (galations 5:6, italics mine). show people christ's love for them by what he did. let the holy spirt water their faith. and let their faith in god change their lives and lead to good works. yes, there are evil actions, but who are we to judge them? i'm a sinner, but i'm forgiven!!!
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favorite bible verse read today: 'but if serving the lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the river, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. but as for me and my house, we will serve the lord.' (joshua 24:15)
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i picture the above verse coming from a war-hardened hero standing on a rock above a multitude of god's people. his deep, convicting voice shouts across the sea of faces, lingering between each punctuation mark. just as maximus in gladiator or william wallace in brave heart, joshua's passion is obvious in this short, but motivational speech to the jewish nation... "PEOPLE!... HEAR ME!... You may serve any god you desire. You can even spit in the face of the Lord your God. [long pause] But as for ME (he slams his fist into his chest) and MY HOUSE... WE... will serve the Lord!" i can't quite do it justice, but that's the passion i want to show the world.
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favorite picture taken today: i need to get on the ball with this... slacker!

hosanna in the highest!

palm sunday. the best part of my day was the sermon given in this morning's church service...
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the jews were expecting a powerful ruler. one who would crush rome and bring peace and plenty to the lands of israel. jesus would disappoint many of the jews, as he came not to bring the sword in the way they imagined. even those close to christ had misconceptions to what his coming meant, jostling for a seat at his right hand in hopes of helping rule over god's chosen people (matthew 20:20-28). he fulfilled a prophecy that palm sunday some 2,000 years ago when he came riding into jerusalem on a donkey. and we see what the jews, and even those close to jesus, were thinking that day when they saw him 'coming into his kingdom'. but what was jesus thinking? i picture him with no expression on his face, staring straight ahead as though he couldn't see the multitude lining the streets, throwing down palm branches, shouting 'hosanna to the son of david! hosanna in the highest!' he knew what was going to happen to him. that he would never leave jerusalem. riding into town on a donkey meant he had begun a chain of events that would lead to his crucifixtion.
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christ knew he would be betrayed by one in his close group of friends/followers.
he knew he would be denied by another.
he knew he would stand before pilot with the multitudes shouting to release the murderer rather than jesus.
he knew pilot would wash his hands of the situation and turn him over to be beaten.
he knew as the roman soldier drew back his weapon to give him the lashes that had been ordered, that flesh would be torn from his body...
and again...
and again...
he knew the order would be given to crucify him on a cross.
he knew a thorny crown would be shoved down onto his head, piercing his skull.
he knew he would be spat upon and taunted, pushed and shoved.
he knew he would have to carry the tree which he would soon hang on, falling in the dust along the way to the place of the skull.
he knew his hands would be nailed to the cross, his feet pierced to that wooden tool of horrific death.
he knew he would die.
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christ is god, yes. but he was also fully human. he was born a human, was tempted a human, and died a human. so in knowing all of the above, he had every human instinct to flee the coming anguish. but he rode in on that donkey none-the-less. why?
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hebrews 12:2 says "let us fix our eyes on jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross..."
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he endured the cross for joy?
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as a woman who has had five children naturally, with a sixth on the way, christ looked past the pain and anguish he knew was to come to see the transformed soul of...
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... you. his child.
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favorite bible verse read today: "rejoice greatly, o daughter of zion! shout, daughter of jerusalem! see, your king comes to you, righteous and having salvation, gentle and riding on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey." (zechariah 9:9)
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favorite (only) picture taken today:

"speh-oom?"

today was a good day.

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chris and nick staron took some time off from their movie making to come down to our humble abode to paint our kitchen. they did a great job, and we are once again thankful for the ways in which god has given to us. though we don't need paint, he has deemed it necessary enough to gift to us.

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while the starons were here painting the kitchen, i was downstairs putting together a wardrobe a generous family from hudson has given us. upon completion, i felt a great sense of accomplishment, but was once again humbled by the generosity shown to our family. and again, a wardrobe is not a necessity of life, but we've been showered with material gifts since our decision to follow god's plan for us at this time in our lives. with this much going on, i know i'm looking forward to what he's going to do next. i feel i have grown more mature from both an earthly standpoint and a spiritual one in just the last few months. lord willing my life on earth make it that far, i am excited to see where i am when my grandchildren arive.

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that was basically my day.

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favorite bible verse read today: "i will proclaim the name of the lord. oh, praise the greatness of our god! he is the rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. a faithful god who does no wrong, upright and just is he." (deuteronomy 32:3-4)

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favorite picture taken today: sadly, again, i took no pictures today. however, i missed the picturesque moment of a cereal bowl with a few cheerios stuck to the side, floating in 12-hour-old dishwater. i think it would've been a neat shot, but i thought about it about 12 hours too late, after dishes had been done, painting was completed, and a whole new set of dirty dishes rimmed our ever-full sink.

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i hope you get a good night's rest... we have a very special guest riding into town tomorrow on a donkey...

work. deuteronomy. work.

here's how i define my day...
rough morning. read bible. i'm calm. rough afternoon. hazy evening. busy night. blog. g'night (after i finish writing this).
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i worked a lot today. 6:55-5:05 at firstmerit, 8:00-midnight for mutual resources. i'm tuckered! sarah giggled tonight, so i had to supervise bathtime with the girls. they weren't bad, and they went right to bed for me, so that was nice.
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but i took a lunch break today despite the above mentioned hectic work schedule in order to keep up with my bible reading. i read some pretty amazing things today which got me thinking that we aren't so dissimilar from the ancient jews as we may believe. for instance, in reading through the old testament, we may find ourselves wondering why in the world god had/has so many restrictions. i did have a moment of de ja veux today too as i thought i was reading today what i had read the day before... god repeats his rules and regulations the jews. but when i got further into deuteronomy, i see in 8:2 why god made these laws: "remember how the lord your god led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." from this, i gather that god doesn't literally like the smell of burning bull livers, but rather the aroma is pleasing to him b/c his people were obeying what he asked of them. i think this way with my girls. what i ask them to do isn't necessarily going to harm them if they disobey. i just want them to love me enough to do as i say. what a great correlation!
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if you get a chance, read all of deuteronomy chapter 8. i've coined the entire chapter "a satisfied thirst in the desert". it's just more of the same above revelations.
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in fact, go ahead and read these verses from the same book... 10:12-13, 17, 21. amazing stuff this god of ours is!!!
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i was also reading in deut. about smashing the gods of our neighbors (12:3-4 and chapter 13). if you read these, i think you'll see these passages still applies today, except that the 'gods of our neighbors' have changed. don't get me wrong, b/c budha, mohammed, satan, etc. are still 'alive' and kickin', but there are plenty of other things out there that people 'worship' (e.g. money, mlb stars, spouses, careers... world of warcraft). we need to take a strong stance against these things. we can't just sit back and ho-hum about it. this is serious! souls are spending eternity in hell b/c they don't know the one, true, living god!!!
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favorite bible verse read today: i think i beat that dead horse above.
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favorite picture taken today: did not get to take any today... and no links this time either since i've given you much food for thought.

zzzzzzzzzzz...

i'm tired. that about sums up my day. it was a long one in which i couldn't focus well since i was up until 1:30 last night getting some work done. no work no pay.
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i did get to thinking today that i hope i don't come across as over-righteous. i'm just quiet. and yes, i've lead a rather straight life, but i don't hold it over anyone. i just pray that my quietness isn't taken the wrong way, and that someone misses the cross for it. it's sad to know many dismiss god because of his followers being imperfect and wronging the world. i don't want to be another blatant hypocrite. i'm real. i'm imperfect. i'm forgiven. i'm saved!
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sorry this is so short...
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favorite bible verse read today: "know therefore that the lord your god is god; he is the faithful god, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. but those who hate him he will repay to their face by destruction; he will not be slow to repay to their face those who hate him." (deuteronomy 7:9-10)
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favorite picture taken today:
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note that this picture was taken with my camera fully zoomed out. since it's no super-special moment catcher, i liked how this photo came out. it should also be noted that while spring is right around the corner, the real harbinger of spring is the red-winged blackbird as most robins (as pictured above) actually winter through in ohio.

sayings of the young

today went fast. nothing too exciting happened. then i got home, and the hilarities began!
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please keep in mind that the short anecdotes and sayings all came into play tonight. it may not be funny since you have no sound and you weren't here to witness it like myself, but i hope you can see how funny each of these are... or could be... if you heard them first-person.
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so alex likes to wear high heels that are even too big for mommy's little feet. so she trips.
me: "woah! did you fall down?!"
alex: "yeah! like a tree!"
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sarah's been riding her bike every other day and doing pilates (crunches/sit-ups/etc.) on the other days. today was a pilates day, in which the girls get to join in and work on their little abs.
me: "did you get to exercise with mommy today?"
sarah: "yes they did. can you name any of the exercises we did today?"
sonja: "the powerhouse."
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about two seconds after 'the powerhouse' came out of sonja's mouth, alex says: "i have a baby in my tummy." kinda random, b/c she doesn't.
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then while mommy's finishing up dinner, daddy decides to school his girls in a couple rounds of all-out candy land. they still thought mommy was going to play while this dialogue ensued...
alex: (to mommy) "you be green."
sonja: "no, i want to be green."
alex: "oops! okay." (hands sonja the green player)
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and the best of the night involves a short lead-in. just a couple of days ago, sarah did an art project. she took some pink construction paper and drew a grid on it with two columns: one for s-dogg and one for al-puppy as we like to call them. along the left-hand side of the grid, she wrote down a to-do list of sorts. that way, when the girls get up in the morning, they know they need to go potty, eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, dirty clothes away, etc. each to-do item is complete with a color picture, hand-drawn by my beautiful wife. it's so good, in fact, that we have it hanging on the refrigerator next to the girls' art work! so as sonja completes a task, she moves a magnet with the letter 's' to the next task. alex moves her 'a' magnet. sonja's been eating dinner a bit faster than alex lately, and this particular evening was of no exception. after she's done eating, we ask sonja to go brush her teeth, to which she jumps from the table and flies down the hall towards the bathroom. alex, with the to-do grid in mind yells out to sonja: "sonja, move your 's'." of course, we thought she was telling sonja to hurry up in a not-so-nice fashion and begin scolding and asking where she heard that, b/c it certainly wasn't from us. we finally caught on once sonja ran back into the kitchen to move her magnet. (if you don't get it, try quoting alex out loud in a scolding tone of voice... priceless!)
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favorite bible verse read today:
i'm not going to type it all out, but i enjoyed reading about balaam and his donkey in the book of numbers.
also, here are some verses i looked up for proof that god is just:
philippians 4:8
colossians 4:1
i john 1:9
matthew 27:24
john 5:30
acts 7:52
'just' to some may be that if god were just, we'd already be burning. i say he's loving and full of grace, and he lets us live on and give us a chance for repentance. that's just. take colossians 1:9 (NIV) for example: "if we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." or to put it another way, per KJV, "if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." to me, it sounds like if we confess, god turns his justice from wrath and judgement to forgiveness and cleansing. praise god!
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favorite picture taken today (i took some other good ones i'd love to share. just let me know. i just didn't want to use up a lot of my available blog space this early in the game):

thankful for free blogging

work began on the wrong foot today. i was re-enlightened that i am an afterthought. i am a foot soldier. i am the fly on the wall. i am jack's inflamed sense of rejection. i am a credit analyst... II. i feel this way about working for god a lot too. i think a lot of people do. yeah, working for the lord is important, but you can't earn your way there. so for me to give you a list of things you should and shouldn't do is a waste of my time. thank god for his grace. now i need to figure out how to feel that salvation through my job.

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yes matthew. i hate money too. over the last two months we have lost just over 1/3rd of our household income. with the economy down, so is any annual raise i may get, which will likely be more than offset by the increase in health benefits... which subsequently doubled due to adding two new lives to the family payroll. my gas and electric bills have increased by at least 50%. the grocery budget has jumped up about $30. in one weekend my furnace died, ice dammed on my roof causing water to leak into the middle of my kitchen, and the washer died (in chronological order). now due to a calculation error on my part, we may end up owing taxes rather than receiving a refund (for all you non-math majors out there, to pay $280 in taxes per quarter is not the same as $280 per month). both vehicles have one tire each losing air on a regular basis, and i know both are overdue for an oil change. i have a parttime job which i never seem to have the energy to do. forget a raise at the current position. and i need to have an 'in' somewhere new b/c i'm nothing on paper. and i don't have to tell you anything about gas prices, though the bp around the corner from my house hit $3.45 per gallon today. but despite all this, i know money can't buy happiness. good thing, b/c i couldn't afford it! but i know i'm happier now than others in better financial straights than myself. oh, i'm not 100% with my situation, but i can smile. i can b/c he can. and i'm giving the one and only living god the credit. he will see me through. by faith, i am happy and content.

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okay, so alexandra can throw a fit. i mean, if a fit were a tangible thing, she could pick it up, hurl it across the room, and it would stick to any surface it first hit. i thought i was bad as a child. i was. it's hard as a parent to tolerate something like that, but i throw a fit to god every day. i'm sure thankful my heavenly father doesn't throw his hands up like i do. it's a process. i'm learning.

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nothing can put words to our current life situation quite as eloquently as one of sarah's thank you notes, written to a small group of believers from our church family:

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"the halsten real life group,

we want to thank all of you for your love and support. ben and i know some of you and others we don't, but it was such a blessing to see that we were in your thoughts and i'm sure prayers. i wish that i could tell all of you the amazing things god has done to get the girls where they are now and about the spiritual struggles ben and i have faced to reach this point. but just know that we have been blessed in having you guys as part of our church family. we have seen the power of the body of christ in the past few months. we have learned a lot about humility, our own strengths and weaknesses and our faith. thank you all for the wonderful gifts... please keep us in your prayers that we would all continue to adjust well. that ben and i would be wise, just and merciful in our parenting, and that god would continue to provide for our needs.

with love in christ, the bates family"

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something else that struck me pretty good today was included in an email from matthew:

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Risk more than others think is safe;

Care more than others think is wise;

Dream more than others think is practical;

Expect more than others think is possible.

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and from the same email, a familiar song: "jesus paid it all. all to him i owe. sin had left a crimson stain. he washed it white as snow."

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onxhvivQYfI)

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favorite bible verse read today (kinda makes me want to cry...): "when a prophet of the lord is among you, i reveal myself to him in visions, i speak to him in dreams. but this is not true of my servant moses; he is faithful in all my house. with him i speak face to face, clearly and not in riddles; he sees the form of the lord." (numbers 12:6-8)

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favorite picture taken today: sorry, i didn't have time to pick up my camera. so here's a good link instead:

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

dialogue encouraged

the time change hates me. so yes, yesterday was rough, and the shock wave created by daylight savings time rippled through to today too. the girls were up at 5 a.m., dragging with them my sour attitude from the day before. but once i stepped out my back door to head for work, barely a thought entered my head until lunch. and even then, i only had one.

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i continued my bible reading plan at lunch today, ending leviticus and beginning numbers. tedious, yet rewarding. the end of leviticus talks about tithing, and it's interesting to read that the first tenth of everything should go to the lord. not just our money. i'm trying to think now how i spend other things in my life, tangible or intangible. i'm sure god doesn't have a tenth of me. and that was it. no more thoughts until after work.

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matthew forte called me on my way home from work and left a voicemail (sorry i haven't called back yet, matthew). though it was a short message, it was long for matthew. his message said something about disc golf, yet the first three sentences are what haunted my thoughts for the rest of the evening: "hey ben, it's matthew. i was just driving home from work and thought i'd give you a call. i miss college." bam!! sentence #3 hit home. i got to thinking of my two most recent lives. the latter, what i call 'now' is strictly time managed, money mattered, sleep deprived, cronically depressive, and confusing. i'm one who would rather talk about deep matters than skirt around the surface of what's happening in life. and you can't get that in my current life. everything non-work related is limited to, maybe, an hour-and-a-half timeframe. then it's over. no phone calls. no follow-up. it's done. now my former life, 'college', was freedom. the lax schedule allowed for late nights, hours with friends about a pool table, talking about and figuring out life. now i'm glad i was a christian at this time, b/c talking about and figuring out what life was all about was liberating. when a discussion ended late into the night, you could pick it back up over a bowl of pizza the next morning. if you've ever seen the movie 'joe vs. the volcanoe,' that's a tad like what life has become. yes matthew, i miss college too.

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god, give us men! a time like this demands

strong minds, great hearts, true faith and ready hands;

men whom the lust of office does not kill;

men whom the spoils of office cannot buy;

men who possess opinions and a will;

men who have honor - men who will not lie;

men who can stand before a demagogue

and damn his treacherous flatteries without winking;

tall men, sun-crowned, who live above the fog

in public duty and in private thinking;

for while the rabble, with their thumb-word creeds,

their large professions and their little deeds,

mingle in selfish strife, lo! freedom weeps,

wrong rules the land, and waiting justice sleeps.

(author unknown)

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pastor ryan, whom until now i have yet to confess i look up to him with the admiration of a younger brother, said something tonight too, that made me think. "it is a serious calling to shepherd the souls of people." in my leadership, i am a shepherd. here lord, are my sheep... yikes! that is a serious calling. god is serious!!!

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i am short on time.

i am short on money.

i am short on words.

i am short on love.

i am short on everything i hold dear.

i have so much more i can sacrifice.

(me)

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favorite bible verse read today: "the lord bless you and keep you; the lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." (numbers 6:24-26)

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favorite picture taken today (okay, it's a video):

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p.s. - after i wrote the above, the blog ate my words and i had to start all over (and it won't save correctly). hopefully this does my initial thoughts justice.