paul was wrong... i'm the worst sinner...

in 1st timothy 1:15, the apostle paul says, "here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom i am the worst."
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i've read the bible, cover-to-cover. a good portion of the new testament was written by the apostle paul. interestingly, what i read by and about paul (for the most part) doesn't scream "super sinner", yet he claims he is the worst of them all. is paul being hard on himself? i think so.
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when i read again what was written by and written about paul, i tend to think he was wrong in this claim. he can't be the worst of sinners... i am. look at this guy's life... i'm nowhere near that!
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but then again, was paul's point to rank sin and the quality of the person doing the sinning? i think if we're going to take sin seriously, we each need to accept the fact that WE are the worst sinner. too often we (myself included) think we're better than the person we're looking at. or we see someone (like paul) seemingly beating themselves up and try to be encouraging by telling them "you're not that bad - chin up." if we're taking the blackness of our hearts seriously, not lying to ourselves, then we ARE that bad.
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i know i'm "that bad". i can see my heart, and it's ugly. i know people who have had bad lives, made bad decisions, continue to "live in sin"... but i know Jesus. i know His truth, His teachings, His life and heart... BUT, i'm still a very black-hearted person. i know the ugliness that lives down in there. i know the dark hurdles that i can't seem to overcome, and those that i don't want to overcome. and again, i know Jesus. if i know Jesus, any blackness i cling to is even darker.
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so am i really being hard on myself?
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i think if we each take a hard, honest look into our own lives, and we call the blackness what it is, we'll find we're not actually being hard on ourselves... just truthful. but it's too easy to point fingers at others and rank ourselves on some imaginary scale that God never said was there. sin is sin. bad is bad. you're the worst sinner... but so i am i.
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what most of us want to hear though is, "you're not that bad - chin up." if this is what we want to hear, then we're not being honest with ourselves. if we want to hear we're not that bad, then we still believe in this imaginary scorecard. but if we know this blackness resides in our heart, whether or not it is manifested physically for all to see, then what we really need is others who have also discarded the scale the come alongside us to encourage a change.
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and me? i don't need/want you to tell me i'm not that bad... because i know i am. what i need is for you to say "you're right. let's fix it. i want to help. what can i do?" and i need encouragement to take it before God. there are some hurdles we're meant to clear alone, but there are those that cannot be overcome without His help. if i'm not seeking His help on these things, that darkness will never go away. i know Jesus... but i also know there's a black spot (or more) down deep. if i know Jesus and still have the abyss in me, then i'm missing something. i'm missing people... encouraging people, loving people. we were created for relationships - i need you. God gave me people to help keep me on His path, to keep pointing me back to Him when i need to eradicate sin.
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so you... yes you, reading this... if i can be honest with you, you're a big, fat, sloppy sinner. i can't point out numerous things in your life that are ugly, black, and destroying both your life and the lives of those around you. you are a horrible, nasty person. BUT... i can promise i'm worse. we're in the same boat. we're on the same path, this thing called "life". will you encourage me to fight this enemy? can i encourage you to fight this enemy?

be holy

i've been reading the Bible thru in a year since january 1st. i've done this before, but i'm finally using a chronological Bible a friend had given me a few years back. it puts everything in order from beginning to end - which is essentially how the "normal" Bible is laid out; however, this one lumps all of the laws in exodus and leviticus together, inserts some of david's psalms into his life story earlier in the old testament, etc.

so i'm plugging thru leviticus. growing up, i had a hard time getting thru this part of the Bible, and usually ended up stopping my reading plan short... which was usually in february. however, the last few times i've read thru this book, i've appreciated something new.

for instance, this time around, i loved the sections pertaining to how the priests, or levites... "... because priests are holy to their God. Regard them as holy, because they offer up the food of your God. Consider them holy, because I the Lord am holy - I who make you holy." (lev. 21:7b-8)

this made me think over to the new testament: "As you come to him, the living Stone - rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him - you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ." (i peter 2:4-5)

i'm blown away by the comparisons we can make. while we no longer have a need to sacrifice animals on altars (Christ came as the ultimate, final sacrifice), we who believe and follow Christ are to be holy. when you read thru leviticus and understand what it takes to be holy from a human perspective, you realize the higher calling you are meant to live. when you consider God's holiness, you realize you'll never make the cut; however, Christ died to cover our ugliness, and as leviticus says, priests are holy to their God. we're given freedom thru Christ's sacrifice, but the higher calling doesn't disappear. we should be spurred towards holiness out of love for Christ, reverance for the Father, and obedience to the Holy Spirit.

as i peter 1:15-16 says, "But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy.'"

what IS holy? i'll let you define it. but suffice it to say that it's one of those words i'd keep in under the heading of "absolute"; there's no grey area with holiness.

and after you've figured it out - be holy.

motivational self-reflection

if there's one thing i've grown to understand, it's that if i feel a certain way or think a certain thing, that i am probably not the only one. we're all special... just like everyone else. we are unique, but everything we are and have and appear to be has commonality with someone else. someone else is not exactly me, but we share something. and yet another shares something different. so how can i begin to think that i'm the only one who acts certain ways, says certain things, looks a certain way, or is motivated in others? for instance...

it's hard to do with the right motives. it's hard to force yourself to think of what the right motive should be and then do a thing because of it. and once you get to doing, it can become easy to justify that you are doing it for the right reason. we can begin something with the right motive, but as we go along, our hearts can change, and we can begin to do with the wrong motive. another for instance...

we can decide to volunteer for the homeless because God loves them, and we want to go where His heart is leading. but when the day arises, sometimes it's hard to roll out of bed, wishing instead to stay in the warm confines of home on a snowy day. but sometimes we can roll out of bed with a smile on our face, knowing we're sacrificing ourselves to serve His sheep. and we arrive to begin our good work and can end somewhere in the middle or at the end patting ourselves on the back. we can go into it thinking we've done a good job.

i think i can even approach God this way. it feels i pray continually for His hand guiding my life, His glory made known to my face. why? because this glorifies Him? or does it just make me feel better about my relationship with Him? am i really motivated to know Him and to serve Him because it's all about Him? or am i MUCH MUCH MUCH (times infinity) more selfish than i first realized?

God - i don't have words to explain who you are, or what you do, or how you do it. i'm not eloquent enough to do you justice. you deserve more than any of us give you, and then some. yet i spend more time thinking about me than you. take away my deep-seeded need to glorify myself. help me see my life is not for me... it's to glorify you! if it's up to me, i will wander. so i surrender, yet again, to you and ask that you force my eyes to you. help me to see people around me, my situations (both good and bad), my stuff, my attitudes, my affections, everything... as you do. i can't change me, but you can. and when i stand changed, help me to glorify you, not only in front of men, but also in my own selfish heart. - Amen.

i'm sure i've shared this before: every little prison (deliver me) - by matt maher

favorite bible verse read today: "do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell." - Jesus (Matt. 10:28)

"don't be afraid of people. the worst they can do is kill you." - david platt (radical)

deliver me from myself

yesterday was a good day. not that today hasn't been, but yesterday was a great example of how a saturday should be. i slept in until almost 6:30am, took a shower while the coffee was being made. prayed, caught up with bible reading, and put the clean dishes away - all before anyone else woke up. i had time to run to the barber for a hair cut and play an 18-hole round of disc golf on the wii with the girls before lunch. after lunch, i did some reading before falling asleep on the couch in the office. then we all went to pick up dinner, came back and ate, then watched a movie before bed time. then sarah and i were able to watch 3 full episodes of bones on netflix, and we were able to go to bed a little after 11pm. what a day!

today started with me sleeping on the couch in the office around 1am. i've been trying to shake this cold, and isaac was not going to cooperate with sleeping last night, so i came downstairs. my alarm went off at 6am, and i was able to get up and start my day closer to 7am. i've had a hard time praying the last several days. i've been praying, but the words just aren't coming. i'm glad God knows my heart before i say it aloud... and sometimes, i wish He didn't know my heart!

then the glitter... ew! if it didn't get EVERYWHERE, i wouldn't mind.

all that said, yesterday and today (and it's only a little after 9am) have been showing me how important i am in my own life. i've been more aware lately of my own sinfulness before God than many times in the past, and i've been reflecting on it a lot. but the last 24+hours have been a little different.

my reading time before nap yesterday was out of radical (still not finished!). platt talked about the importance of spreading the good news of Christ... and the urgency. as i fell asleep, my mind drifted to "untouched" people groups around the globe, going about their lives without knowledge of Jesus. and i was taking my free time to nap! i think it's easy to think that "ah - someone else with a passion for those people will go. i don't need to." or many people today even think "surely God wouldn't send these people to hell for eternity simply because they never heard for Jesus! how can they believe in and follow Him if nobody tells them? that's just unfair!" but the bible is clear that Jesus is the Way... the ONLY Way. so basically what we're saying with the above statements is (a) "i don't love these people" and/or (b) if we just don't tell them about Jesus, they'll go to heaven... BUT if, we DO tell them about Jesus, there's a chance they'll rebel and end up in hell... it's just safer to not tell them. WHAT?! it's safer to NOT tell them about Jesus?! that makes no sense to me! so again... i napped.

then this morning, as i hinted above, the glitter. not only is there an analogy of the crassness of our lives buried in those shiny, tiny particles of satan, but i was definitely not thinking of anyone but myself as it began to cover my kitchen. i'm the only one that was annoyed with it... which made it even more annoying!

i shared this song (every little prison: http://youtu.be/tk_3WNdG5cA)with our small group this past thursday night, and it's been my prayer lately... a lot! as i shared thursday, we tend to give satan a lot of credit for our own undoing, but we fail to see that we're the ones that are, by choice, led away by temptation. i am my own worst enemy - nobody else. and if we could see ourselves as our worst enemy (http://youtu.be/DdmYAzT5GM4), i think we would pray differently and trust God differently. we'd live differently and treat others differently. we're told to love others AS OURSELVES (mark 12:31a)... if you think about it, really ponder it, how do you love yourself? and once you see all the ways you love yourself, you'll see how many ways you DON'T love other people. i know i do.

james 1:13-14 "when tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed."

(final note: i am truly thankful my girls, all 3 of them, are so gracious to me. thankful they know i'm a sinner still trying to figure things out. i'm trying not to take this for granted, so please pray for me, that'd i'd continue to learn how to die to myself.)

i want more

it's been... *sigh*... one of those weeks...

i've been tired, angry, frustrated... but happy, positively challenged, and motivated. a rollercoaster really. but i'm learning through it all, and i'm SUPER excited to see how and where God is leading me and my family. i don't know if He has anything specific in mind for me... but maybe He does! either way, i want more...

i had the privilege of baptizing both alex and sonja this past sunday, which kicked off the week right. i was feeling sick all day sunday was wondering if i'd be able to make it. i was also feeling less than social and was halfway hoping i'd get sick and couldn't go... just to be honest. but that was definitely something i'm glad worked out! it was a good evening, and i left incredibly encouraged... and humbled!

like i said, i've learned a lot this week. and most everything i've learned, while not private, probably shouldn't be shared in this avenue.

but i can tell you this morning i read from exodus, specifically 35:30-36:1. it was very neat seeing how God chose certain individuals based on the skills He had given them. i think in america, we tend to think we achieve things through our own merit. this was a good reminder that i've probably been blessed with what i have because Something greater gave it to me for His glory.

anyway - i hope He's teaching you something...

either "poop" or get off the pot... figuratively speaking

i love kids. for those that know me, i don't say that often... okay, i'm not sure i've really ever said it. maybe. but i do. i love their honesty. "childlike faith" isn't some cliche thing. if we could have faith in God the way a kid sees the world... man! we've just created this "thing" out of life where some things are funny and some aren't, even if both are as natural as the rising and the setting of the sun. kids see everything as natural - they're taught certain things aren't okay and some others that are, when the opposite is true.
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for example...
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alex and sonja have both decided to get baptized this coming sunday. awesome! i'm always afraid of younger kids making that decision - but God doesn't say "hey, when you're ready, THEN come and be baptized". it's a command His followers are all given. and i think the sooner you do it after deciding to follow Him, the easier it is. if you wait, you tend to over think it, which is probably why method and theology vary on the subject from church-to-church. we all teach it... just do it. but i think there is an understanding element that goes with it, which is why it's hard for me sometimes when i hear of younger kids doing it. but the girls know why they're doing it and what it means, so it doesn't matter beyond that. if they want the world to know they're following Jesus, then that's definitely okay by my book!
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but that's not my point in childlike faith here. in talking with alex about baptism, i asked her if she was excited for this sunday. of course she was, so i asked her why, which was great as we got to discuss how important this event is. sarah had already told me the next part, but i had to hear it with my own ears...
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"so alex, when did you decide you wanted to get baptized?"
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"when i was 7 years old."
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"what made you decide? where were you when you decided to follow Jesus?"
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"in the bathroom."
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"what were you doing in the bathroom?"
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"going potty."
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at this point, i was holding back the chuckles and really wanted to ask if she was going poopy, but i refrained. but really... why is this funny? there's nothing funny about going to the bathroom - it's completely natural. i'm sure God has called people in a lot funnier places than on the toilet.
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but the childlikeness of it all... she said it so matter-of-fact, like it was normal for people to hear Christ's call on the pot. and shouldn't it be? shouldn't it be normal for us to hear Him no matter where we are? "um... God? now's not really a good time... can you give me, say, 5 more minutes?"
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i bet some of you reading this accepted Christ's gift of salvation on the potty too... you're just too proud (and maybe too adult) to admit it. but not matter the place, i'm happy to call you brother/sister!
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"another disciple said to him, 'Lord, first let me go and bury my father.' but Jesus told him, 'follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.'" (matthew 8:21-22) - many people, if in this disciple's shoes, would be thinking "who does this guy think he is? uh - i'm not quite in the position to follow you." that's why the Good News is so good... Christ doesn't say "hey - go do this, then follow me." He says "follow me... period."

processing others' thoughts...

it's kinda been a boring couple of days to start the week.
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the highlight... and also the downlight... of my day yesterday was a little research i did on jeffrey dahmer and ted bundy. i happened upon dahmer's story as i saw in the news one of his "almost victims" had been an accomplice to murder. i thought to myself "you know - i really don't know the dahmer story other than what i've heard from others." if you want to make yourself sick, read about these guys. part of you wants to understand them, but most of you (i hope) doesn't want to... either way, it's sickeningly fascinating!
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today was better in that regard, though schedule-wise, there's nothing really going on.
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for my usual prayer time this morning, i decided i wasn't going to "request" anything from God. i was only going to worship Him, thank Him, etc. it's all about Him anyway, but i wanted this to be an exercise in putting Him ahead of myself in prayer. if you've never tried this, i think you'll find it hard. i did! try praying without even asking for His forgiveness for the daily sin(s) you've accumulated. don't even pray for other people. just worship. unfortunately, prayer time was a bit short this morning... but i had told God it wasn't about me this morning.
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i've really enjoyed getting to know john piper's teachings on God, the bible, etc. lately. in reading radical, it has been awesome hearing platt reaffirm things i've learned from piper. for instance, i had never thought of it before, but God's main purpose throughout history has been to glorify Himself. after all, if He didn't seek to glorify Himself, then why would He teach us to do the same? wouldn't He be a hypocrite? and besides... who IS He supposed to worship if not Himself?
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also - many people think the gospel of Christ is about God loving us and sending His Son to die for us... which is true... in part. we tend to drop the latter part of the gospel... God loved the people of the world so much that He sent Christ to die... so that He may be glorified. if God's purpose is to glorify Himself, then why not turn sinners from their evil ways, not by their own doing, but by God's doing... it sounds like that glorifies God to me.
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(i hope i'm wording all of this adequately...)
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another thing that hit me today was our idea of "holiness". not God's holiness, but ours as humans. platt pointed out that we tend to define christian holiness as what we don't do; however, it should be defined by what we DO. in matthew 28, Christ, tells us go... baptize... make disciples... not don't do this or that. as platt puts it, we are disinfecting rather than discipling. it's true that there are things we shouldn't do as followers of Christ... BUT, that shouldn't be what defines us alone.
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anyway - if you want to read about it, i recommend the guys that wrote it. the above is just my short thoughts on how i'm processing it all.
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favorite bible verse read today: "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world." (Jesus - john 17:24)
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no pictures today. as always, i encourage you to think of something beautiful and pretend i took the picture for you to view... unless it's inappropriate... then we need to have a different conversation...

no thanks. you can keep salvation. thanks for the thought though!

this has been my idea of a good weekend. i got up early saturday morning to welcome the day with prayer and bible reading. then - since nobody else was up yet - i went outside to shovel the driveway since friday night dropped several inches in my yard. though the roads weren't completely cleared, i had to run the van over to the shop to get new tires since i had already made the appointment. when i got home, mom and dad came over soon after to deliver a new oven/stove, which we unfortunately wouldn't be able to use. at 1p, nate came over to shoot some crossbow in the driveway. then i pretty much chilled for the rest of the day, including some wii bowling, playing with isaac in the snow for the first time (more like sarah pulling him around in the sled and me taking pictures), and watching the birds.

today has been good so far too. another day started off with the Lord and then to church to help kick off a new series (know it. live it. give it away.). and since we're busy tonight with sarah needing to be at the church for a couple of hours and me meeting with the guys for accountability, now's the best time for me to write about my weekend.

SEVERAL thoughts going through my head this weekend, which makes it hard to stay with any single one or even remember them all. so i'll do my best.

radical by david platt is still very impactful. it's making me think about all the excuses we make for not praying, reading our bibles, joining a bible study, going to church, serving others, etc. if Jesus is that important... why make excuses? if He is God... why is there anything more important? we read in church today that we need to CRAVE spiritual milk... that's a pretty powerful word: crave! so that begs the question - if we make excuses and never have time to follow God in any way - is He really as important as we say He is? blessings are important and come in many ways, but they're not as important as the Blesser.

that reminds me of another thing going through my head a lot lately. with the above thought, we need to be careful that it doesn't turn legalistic and to religious obligation. then there's no heart. no love. no grace. and that's just stupid because it's by grace we are saved. saved? from what? the sin that separates us from God! so while "doing" the above is important, it doesn't reconcile us to Him... His grace does. we've all been extended the gift of eternal life - whether we want it or not is the question. salvation has appeared to all men, brought by the grace of God (titus 2:11). so how does this explain verses like acts 2:38, john 3:15, and romans 10:10? baptism, belief, confession... all to be saved and to inherit eternal life. all these i can do on my own - why do i need grace? is it possible these are only a response to the gift of salvation from Christ out of obedience, to work out our salvation with fear and trembling? or does belief save me? confessing? being baptized? Christ did die for us while we were still in rebellion against Him... He didn't die to cover our sin in His righteousness after we took a step in the right direction. just a thought... i dunno... i'm legalistic at heart, so this whole "grace" thing can be hard to wrap my brain around sometimes.

i do struggle with feeling as though i need to do certain things or think certain ways or be a certain person before God will love me. "what? you mean you already died for me, even though i didn't want it? i'm not even sure i needed that! what's the catch?" maybe it's our culture that makes me think this way... achievement is our god here in america... at least one of our gods. i think this is why Jesus isn't my role model. i'd like Him to be, but let's face it, my role model is this fake person who i think i should be. i see "BEN: AS HE WAS CREATED TO BE"... and then i open my eyes. but that person, THAT ben... he's cool.

favorite bible verse read this weekend: "for we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law. is God the God of jews only? is He not the God of gentiles too? yes, of gentiles too, since there is only one God, who will justify the circumcised by faith and the uncircumcised through that same faith." (romans 3:28-30)
favorite picture (or pictures) taken, in no particular order:

thinking about everything i'm not

started a new book this morning: radical by david platt. i read the first chapter and started the second at lunch... it's too good for me. maybe it's because it's so simple that i feel the need to analyze it a bit further, or maybe it's simply because it's so true. anyway - it's rocking my world already.

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is Jesus enough? here is a section of a blog entry by brant hansen titled "Is Jesus Enough?", except i edited it slightly to fit me a bit better: " i have what, apparently, pretty much everyone wants: a beautiful, smart, funny wife, and beautiful, smart, funny kids. and good health -- i can bike for many miles. and a beard. and i have Jesus." but if you strip away all the comforts and the blessings in this life, leave me homeless, jobless, with sick or dying wife and kids... is Jesus still enough?

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“we desperately need to explore how much of our understanding of the gospel is american and how much is biblical.” - david platt. even in church, we need more than Jesus...

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yet i listen to myself. i listen to the culture. anything BUT Jesus. which is why i have a difficult time finding my self-worth... i define myself based on how i perceive others or the culture to perceive me back. i don't even know - i only guess. and that's who i am. that's why i do what i do.

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do i wish i could be radical? yes. can i? possibly. i like to think radically... does that count?

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“when Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.” - dietrich bonhoeffer. not think about it?

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if i TRULY believe Christ is who He says He is... if i TRULY believe He calls each one of us to a full life through Him... then why can't i be who He asks me to be? why can't i be radical?

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favorite bible verse read today: "so then, it was not you who sent me here, but God." (Gen. 45:8a) - maybe there's a reason i'm not radical yet. or maybe it's worse than that...

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favorite picture taken today (by sarah): apparently the cat thinks the bathroom is the warmest place in the house in the morning when the thermostat hits 64 too...

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today is blah-day, january 18th, 2012

today was much like yesterday - only more like it...

when work is slow, i tend to think a lot about what i need to get done at home. then i get home and am unmotivated to get anything done. but my brain won't stop thinking of things to do. maybe it was a good thing that rachel called sarah to ask for help with the 2-3 year olds tonight at church. that left me home alone with isaac while the girls all went to the church building together. that meant i had to spend time with the little man... man-t0-man!

i started off by playing on the wii while isaac pretended to play on the wii. then he was on the couch. then it was this. then it was that. then he got bored, and i had to turn the wii off and be present... which is fine, because that's the fun part of being a dad.

i did have a meeting for church this morning. after sliding through the snow to the church building, it was good to review some of the material from the coaching book referenced in yesterday's blog with some of the other leaders.

sarah messaged me a picture (see below) of isaac midday. apparently, she heard noise in the living room and went to check on him. he had turned the tv AND the wii on and was swinging one of the wii remotes at the tv. what a smart, techie of a toddler!

i can't say i learned anything new today though. again - i hate days like this. but i was able to continue to reflect on the things God has been teaching me lately. if anything was new to my brain today, it was a simple, renewed admiration of joseph in the old testament. i can't imagine waking up one day in his shoes, the favorite of his father with everything going for him... then you're sold into slavery by your own brothers. yet God was with him... and he prospered. i don't know about you, but if my life turned like that, i only hope i could turn to the Lord in such a way as to be blessed as he was. i'd like to think that situation would draw me closer to Him, but it's also as likely that i'd get sucked into self-pity.

substituting for "favorite bible verse read today": oswald chambers - "beware of anything that competes with loyalty to Jesus Christ... the one aim of the call of God is the satisfaction of God, not a call to do something for Him."

favorite picture (as noted above - taken by sarah):

wish i had something more profound for anyone reading this today... but we all have days like that i suppose...

you must have me confused with someone else...

nothing really exciting happened today, and i don't feel like i really learned anything either. i hate it when that happens, don't you?
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but as i sit and reflect back over the last 15 hours-or-so, i suppose i did learn something... or should i say, continued to learn something.
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i think most who call themselves "christian" can regurgitate that "it's not me who works, but God working through me". that said, oswald chambers put it best in yesterday's devotional: "the majority of us have no ear for anything but ourselves, we cannot hear a thing God says." i think if we're truly honest with ourselves, we often forget it's God working through us... i do. and i may be special, but i'm not that special, so i know i'm not alone. and it's not even us taking credit for things we do, but we are also the main excuse for things we do not do...
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we see a thing we ought to do and many times make excuses for not doing it. if we DO go forward, it's many times because we felt capable. i wonder if God gets more glory when we do things we're capable of or when we do things we couldn't do without His help.
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that said, here's an excerpt from coaching life-changing small group leaders by bill donahue and greg bowman i read this morning: "God doesn't usually call people to easy jobs. try finding someone who ever felt competent for the service God demanded of him or her. moses trembled, mary was troubled, and paul was terrified! callings rattle cages and rock boats. callings shatter illusions of complacency, comfort, and ease. they sometimes startle and confuse; they provoke and prod. God often calls the overwhelmed, the reluctant, and the mystified. 'you've got to be kidding, God. you must have me confused with someone bigger, better, smarter, faster, and more spiritual!'" God usually confuses me with these types of people...
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for more thoughts on this, i liked ryan rodeman's blog entry on "from the whiteboard" (on the bottom right of this page) titled "why i NEED the bible: reason #7", which aided in my need to not be stagnant in spiritual growth.
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other than that, today was relatively inactive. work is slow right now due to the time of year. i took a break in my day to go to isaac's 2-month surgery follow-up (all is well). other than shooting the breeze with mark while he checked my tires and changed my oil, the only other thing that got my spirit pumping was talking with matthew and doug about bow hunting (i'm ben bates... it's been zero days since i've been sober... i can't stop thinking about hunting... sheesh).
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favorite bible verse read today: "but he said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'. therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (II cor. 12:9) challenge... find something in 2012 that you know would fail unless God stepped in. then pray about it. once it's completed, you won't be able to take the credit for it, because you knew going into it that YOU would fail... but He won't!
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no pictures taken today... think up a cool shot and pretend i took it...

gotcha day - year 4

wow - we've been parents now for 4 years!!! technically, "gotcha day" was january 6th, but we're just now getting around to fitting it in our busy schedules. since it was martin luther king day, that made it easier, though we had to figure out a few scheduling quirks.
the day started with the alarm going off at 5:30am. 10 minutes later, i woke up at 6:20am (for all you checking my math, it obviously wasn't a literal 10 minutes). i was hoping for some quiet time before meeting adam for breakfast at 7:00am, but it wasn't meant to be.

breakfast was a good time catching up, talking about life, and working on some short-term missions stuff. afterward, adam invited me back to his office to hand me some literature and john piper sermons on dvd... exciting stuff! now just to find the time to fit it all in!!!

when i got home around 8:30am, breakfast was almost in the oven, and we didn't finally get out the door for the day's festivities until a little after 11:00am.

we scooted over to silvercreek for a 2-mile trek in the cold, blustery day. while he's seen snow, this was the first time isaac was really out in it. since it was muddy, we didn't really play in it, but he enjoyed the walk as well. i carried him for a good portion of the way, so my shoulders are still a bit sore now - he's getting heavy!

we tried to identify as many birds as we could, coming up with 5 while at the park: chickadee, downy woodpecker, and cardinal were all identified visually, while the titmouse and blue jay were identified by sound. we saw dog tracks, human tracks, deer tracks, and what may or may not have been coyote or fox. i think one of the highlights for me was as we were around the 1.5-mile marker, there's an area on the path that overlooks the road within the park. sonja saw a man walking on the side of the road and asked:

"why is he walking?"

"aren't WE walking too?" sarah and i inquired.

"no - we're hiking." she replied.

then it was off to mom and dad's to drop the little guy and head out to lunch. since he tends to be a little iffy on whether he wants to behave in restraunts, we decided to disallow his presence this time since it was about the girls today. we figured if he got antsy, it would only distract us from spending time together.

after a quick stop at uncle rob's to borrow a crossbow (yes - i'm ben bates, and i'm addicted to deer hunting), we were off to rockne's.

when we picked isaac up, we lingered for a bit watching tv, which is a novelty in our house, so the girls were glued. other than that, the remainder of the day has been relatively uneventful.

favorite bible verse read today (if you haven't gathered, i looked this one up for the special purpose of commemorating my larger font as requested by matthew): "see what large letters i use as i write to you with my own hand!" (galatians 6:11)

favorite picture taken today (can't say i had a favorite, but here's one of everyone):

1) sarah - looking as beautiful as the day i met her...

2) alex - looking grumpy, but she gave me a genuine smile after this shot, which made me believe she was just posing with her "i'm a model" attitude for this picture...

3) sonja - just being her cooperative self when it comes to the camera, crowns glistening and all...

4) daddy and his isaac - you can't see his green mittens, but those and the yellow snowsuit he's wearing were mine when i was his size!

the next generation isn't even 5 minutes away

today was set to be a busy day. church, followed by two meetings and sarah co-leading a group of 9th grade girls meant we wouldn't really get to spend any time together until... well, whenever i'm done with this post and she's done putting isaac to bed. and it's 8:35pm now, so we've been on the go since this morning!
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i've always been amazed at some of the bible stories from the old testament. it seems that God did some AMAZING things, and yet the next generation didn't know Him. moses had led the israelites out of egypt after some horrendous plagues, and then they crossed the red sea on dry land... crazy, right? yet they still doubted him, and generations soon after those who witnessed these things didn't even know Him! in fact, those that had been led out of egypt in such an incredible fashion forgot and grumbled against God! how could they have done that?! it amazes me! yet...
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my morning started with an hour-or-so of prayer and devotion in from God's word and "my utmost for his highest" by oswald chambers. i learned a lot, and got to pray specifically for many people i touch at least weekly, some more often. i even had a chance to sit in silence and listen for God's still, small voice.
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around 7:30am, the girls were making noise upstairs, so i went to bring them down so they would let sarah and isaac sleep a little longer. things spiraled out of control, and i lost it. i got selfish and cared more about their feelings toward me than i did in loving them and correcting them. i rambled and lectured and got angry and self-righteous. i didn't teach them a thing other than "daddy has some issues". not even 5 minutes before, i had been spiritually ready to tackle another day.
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why am i surprised at those old testament stories? beats me! it only took me 5 minutes to forget God and lose my cool.
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i did turn things around, and it ended up being a good day over all. i think the highlight of my day was a good conversation sarah and i had over breakfast and catching up with the dishes regarding salvation. i won't go into details now as i'm still formulating my opion(s), but it was nice bonding with her in this way. it's been a while since we've had a deep, challenging conversation like this one.
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favorite bible verse read today: "now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! amen." (ephesians3:20-21)
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i only took one picture today of a "cross" the girls constructed in the front yard yesterday while playing in the snow. since i'm too lazy to go get the cord for the camera right now, you'll have to see that one some other time. for now, here's a link to the "song of the day", which has literally been stuck in my head for at least 12 hours straight. it's the theme of my morning rebellion from God, and it's my prayer of reconciliation to Him. i hope you enjoy... http://youtu.be/tk_3WNdG5cA

rediscovering grace

today was a good day. and any time you can start a blog entry off with that statement is a blessing.

i started off the day in my office as i have for the prior 13 days, reading and praying.

after breakfast, the girls and i played some Wii Bowling. isaac would like to play, but for now, he reminds me more of the little puppy named lucky from the movie 101 dalmatians (the animated version).

we even did a little bird watching today, which was great since i missed out yesterday being at work and all. and with this being the first real snow fall of the winter, the birds were all huddled up yesterday morning waiting for sarah to fill the empty feeders.

while isaac napped this afternoon, the girls played outside, and sarah went dress shopping for a good friend's wedding. and i did some reading out of galatians in the peace and quiet, which led me to some research...

God has been teaching me A LOT more about His grace lately. while i've known about grace for some time now, it's being opened to me in fresh new ways lately. i'm even starting to see my sin in a much uglier fashion than i had previously, which has helped me appreciate grace even more. i recently heard a quote that said something like "repentance isn't you deciding not to do something anymore; it's you running to Someone." and that makes perfect sense to me. i can't. He can. life's a choice, yes. but i'd rather hand the reigns to Christ. there is nothing i can do to please God. He loved me even when i was a sinner, and He loves me still. like galatians 2:21 says, "if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing." if there was a way i could earn God's favor and get my own way to heaven, what was the point in Christ's death on that cross? honestly, why even care about Christ? grace isn't about me; it's about His love for me. two things that i keep learning and are in awe of: (1) God knows me even better than i know myself, and (2) He still loves me. i don't even know how to put that in words...

before i left to meet mike and babak for accountability tonight, i noticed a hawk sitting outside the kitchen window with what appeared to be another bird in its talons. i shot a short video of it ripping the feathers out of its prey, leaving a pretty mess in the snow of my yard. since i consider myself a hunter now, i looked at the cooper's hawk with a new kind of appreciation tonight.

favorite bible verse read today: "for it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." (ephesians 2:8-9)

favorite picture taken today (one of these days, i'll have a better camera AND some talent... then i won't have to let the subject of the shot do all the work):

ANOTHER attempt

so here we go again - another attempt at this blogging thing. call it a new years resolution if you want. i just enjoy journaling the account of my day.
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so 2011 was a good year. the girls turned 8, isaac turned 1, and sarah and i both celebrated our 30th birthdays with a 6-year anniversary thrown in to boot. first steps were celebrated along with good grades. it was the first 12-month period in my short history that i logged over 1,000 miles on my bike, over 100 of which were on a tandem with sarah for the first time. it was also the first time i shot a deer... dead... which deserves an entire blog post on its own based on my sheer excitement alone (but i'll spare you, unless you REALLY want to hear about it). and the adoption of the girls was finalized in february - that's HUGE!
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and 2012? it's only just begun, but i'm looking forward to it. already growing too. i took the week between christmas and new years off work and ended up turning my office at home upside down. it's usable now, which provides a nice early morning venue for prayer and bible reading. God's really teaching me through those times... though i'm still a sucky person on my own, God looks at me and sees Christ. HIS righteousness covers me... kinda like a blanket of white snow covers the brown, muddy look of winter. the brown, muddy terrain is still there (like my crappiness as a person is still there), but you can't see it through the pure, white snow (like God can't see my crappiness through the precious blood of His Son). and i've already learned through the book of genesis that even in people like abraham, we're not perfect, but God can (and WILL) still use us!
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so we'll see what this year has in store - hopefully this blog will provide me with some built in accountability to retain what i learn each day, to share here.
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favorite bible verse read today: "then i heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'whom shall I send? and who will go for us?' and i said, 'here am i. send me!'" (isaiah 6:8)
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favorite picture taken today: okay, i haven't gotten that far in my day as it's only 7:15am - we'll try that for tomorrow (or maybe i'll be dangerous and post twice today) depending on the schedule. so for the time being, here's a picture of my family in 2011 along with my first deer.
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