holding my breath

there's something stirring within me. so much has been thrown into my pot lately that i feel change is inevitable. to name a few ingredients...
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end times thanks to epicenter.
conviction that my life is not begging the question needing answered (i peter 3:15).
feeling comfortable thanks to Voice of the Martyrs and Tortured for Christ.
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i felt near tears at worship today. while i haven't been able to yet manifest to the physical that change which i feel inside, my pain comes from the knowledge that i am slowly dying to myself. i'm a creature of comfort, a homebody. i don't handle change too well and would rather things stay as they are if they're currently working. i like my life. and while i've been slowly dying to myself over the past several years, i feel the largest plunge is yet to come, like a chunk of ice berg which breaks and falls to the sea... when it first starts, it almost seems motionless, but it picks up steam as it goes, the finale creating a tidal wave. i can see the destination of my change, and it scares me. while i know i am giving more control of my future to God each day, i'm still clinging on to the cliff of ben for fear of falling headlong into the sea of God's complete direction. it's weird because i want to fall, but i'm afraid of the change... like buying a new house, the excitement is somewhat stunted by the sudden realization of hard work and a mortgage. so too will i be finally letting go of comfort and living a life of hard work.
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i think the fear is mostly that people around me have come to expect the me that they see. i've come to expect the same thing. to take the largest plunge of my journey to this point in my life, to undergo the most radical change i have yet to see, will create a wave. ben isn't the ben we know anymore. i'm not the ben i used to know. i know that once the manifestation is complete, i will be facing fewer pleasures of this world. it may even press as far as persecution of any and all kinds. my knotted insides know what i must do. my selfish wiring is bouncing the signal back, not allowing an outward sign of this change. i am clinging to the last thread before the rope snaps.
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pray that i will let go.