falling short and hating it

in looking back, i realize i haven't moved far. and i'm not talking geographically. i'm incredibly frustrated, but seem to be powerless to become mobile. i'm confused too, feeling as though i have a lot of down time, yet feeling over-busy and overwhelmed with a lot to be done. but i'm feeling spiritually malnourished. sick, empty, and fragile. this is alarming to me as i consider myself a christian, led by the Holy Spirit. 1 john 2:6 says that "whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did." i'm only walking as ben did - and still does. if Christ truly lived in me, wouldn't i have changed by now? don't get me wrong, i've come a long way. but in recent months, i've travelled nowhere. i'm still trying to change myself, feeling more depressed and frustrated each day in waking up to the same old me. why can't i rely on Him to change me? i'm sure i've noted this before in a prior entry, but i fear sometimes that Christ may view me as a poser, only pretending to seek the perfection He asks for. while i watch the warriors, driven by their hearts and passion, storm hell's gate, i sit back in my wanna-be state, driven only by what my brain wishes my heart would feel. my brain helps me believe, but my heart is what needs to start beating if i am to move beyond belief. my brain can tell me i love others and want to serve God, but my heart is what will put it into practice in a real way. with no heart, the body dies, as does the spirit. so do i really love others? do i really want to serve God? or does my brain just have me convinced i do?