paul was wrong... i'm the worst sinner...

in 1st timothy 1:15, the apostle paul says, "here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom i am the worst."
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i've read the bible, cover-to-cover. a good portion of the new testament was written by the apostle paul. interestingly, what i read by and about paul (for the most part) doesn't scream "super sinner", yet he claims he is the worst of them all. is paul being hard on himself? i think so.
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when i read again what was written by and written about paul, i tend to think he was wrong in this claim. he can't be the worst of sinners... i am. look at this guy's life... i'm nowhere near that!
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but then again, was paul's point to rank sin and the quality of the person doing the sinning? i think if we're going to take sin seriously, we each need to accept the fact that WE are the worst sinner. too often we (myself included) think we're better than the person we're looking at. or we see someone (like paul) seemingly beating themselves up and try to be encouraging by telling them "you're not that bad - chin up." if we're taking the blackness of our hearts seriously, not lying to ourselves, then we ARE that bad.
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i know i'm "that bad". i can see my heart, and it's ugly. i know people who have had bad lives, made bad decisions, continue to "live in sin"... but i know Jesus. i know His truth, His teachings, His life and heart... BUT, i'm still a very black-hearted person. i know the ugliness that lives down in there. i know the dark hurdles that i can't seem to overcome, and those that i don't want to overcome. and again, i know Jesus. if i know Jesus, any blackness i cling to is even darker.
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so am i really being hard on myself?
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i think if we each take a hard, honest look into our own lives, and we call the blackness what it is, we'll find we're not actually being hard on ourselves... just truthful. but it's too easy to point fingers at others and rank ourselves on some imaginary scale that God never said was there. sin is sin. bad is bad. you're the worst sinner... but so i am i.
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what most of us want to hear though is, "you're not that bad - chin up." if this is what we want to hear, then we're not being honest with ourselves. if we want to hear we're not that bad, then we still believe in this imaginary scorecard. but if we know this blackness resides in our heart, whether or not it is manifested physically for all to see, then what we really need is others who have also discarded the scale the come alongside us to encourage a change.
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and me? i don't need/want you to tell me i'm not that bad... because i know i am. what i need is for you to say "you're right. let's fix it. i want to help. what can i do?" and i need encouragement to take it before God. there are some hurdles we're meant to clear alone, but there are those that cannot be overcome without His help. if i'm not seeking His help on these things, that darkness will never go away. i know Jesus... but i also know there's a black spot (or more) down deep. if i know Jesus and still have the abyss in me, then i'm missing something. i'm missing people... encouraging people, loving people. we were created for relationships - i need you. God gave me people to help keep me on His path, to keep pointing me back to Him when i need to eradicate sin.
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so you... yes you, reading this... if i can be honest with you, you're a big, fat, sloppy sinner. i can't point out numerous things in your life that are ugly, black, and destroying both your life and the lives of those around you. you are a horrible, nasty person. BUT... i can promise i'm worse. we're in the same boat. we're on the same path, this thing called "life". will you encourage me to fight this enemy? can i encourage you to fight this enemy?