the hope of perfect following

though today was another drag, i continually look to god for hope of an exciting future. not just eternity, but also in this life. 'jesus said in luke 17:21 that the kingdom of god is within you. how can god live inside of us and not make a difference? he cannot; he will make a difference, or we must question whether he lives inside of us at all.' (from transformation). i think this is why life is so boring right now. i've grown up to this point believing there was some methodology behind following christ. i've come to realize following him is not a set of information to believe in, a few classes to take, a couple of merit badges on my sunday school chart. it's not about memorizing scripture or praying the right way. whether i eat or drink... whatever i do... i should do it all for the lord. as cliche as it sounds, it is a heart thing. so then i read something like the above passage from transformation and really wonder if i've ever opened my heart's door for the holy spirit to enter. it's a good argument that if god were living in me, there would be a difference. i can't discount that i'm growing, but i don't see a big change. so how does one 'let jesus in'? ask him i suppose. but you have to have faith and believe when you ask, or you can't get what you seek. so when i ask, i expect a big rush of spiritual excitement or a light from heaven. nothing. do i really believe in the power god can have in my life? sometimes i wonder about myself.

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sarah's dad has been in the hospital now for 10 days with various issues. due to him not being all there for the first 7 days or so and the girls not being allowed in i.c.u., we haven't been able to visit until tonight. he seems to be doing better aside from severe mental/spiritual discouragement. i'm no doctor, and i can't claim to be a prophet, but i think he'll come out of this.

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on our way to the hospital tonight, we somehow got on the subject of dinosaur extinction with the girls. "'extinct' means that something isn't living anymore.' how else do you explain this to a 4-year old? sarah goes into her theory on why she thinks the dinosaurs were wiped from the planet. upon completing her speech, alex asks, "but why did the dinosaurs die?" guess she missed sarah's oration. but anyway, they can't pronounce 'extinct', and we keep trying to explain to them that not some of the dinosaurs are extinct, but all of them are. alex again pipes in: "yeah. when a skunk is alive, it stinks." still not getting it, but funny. so this moves into dinosaurs on tv not being really alive... it's just tv. sonja, who has also been drawing shapes in the air during the dying conversation decides it's her turn to pipe in: "yeah. rectangles, squares, and diamonds are no big deal. they're just shapes." i guess she has a point.

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it's never easy leaving sarah's family... not now that we have their children. after making so much progress with alex over this past weekend, she's back to loathing me. on the way home from the hospital, leaving grandma, grandpa, and 'daddy andrew', she doesn't want me near her, touching her, or even listening to her tell mommy how much she misses grandpa. it's some encouragement to know that most families have children who prefer one parent over another to some extent like this, and that many go through this... but either way, it still hurts. i try to let it go and realize that someday when my love to her is proved, she won't look on me with such hatred.

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something i'm striving for is the attitude expressed in the following quote. i'm guessing it's a familiar voice, so i'll leave you guessing as to who said it. either way, i'd love more than anything to have this passion for christ and his kingdom: "by blood and origin i am albenian. my citizenship is indian. i am a catholic nun. as to my calling, i belong to the whole world. as to my heart, i belong entirely to the heart of jesus." i would alter mine slightly if i could first off alter my focus: "by blood and origin i am american. my citizenship is of heaven. i am an ambassador to this world. as to my calling, i belong to all mankind. as to my heart, it is reserved for none other than my lord and savior, jesus christ." i strive to attain this prize each day. amen.

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my bane as a father (and i'll hold to the fact that she's so stinking cute):